From the WSJ Real Estate Archives

Trailing Husbands Find
Comfort in Numbers

by Jennifer Lisle

When Mark Vierheller went out with the guys, he tried not to talk shop. "But sometimes you just had to vent and tell everyone, 'My God, my son didn't turn in his homework again today,' " says Mr. Vierheller.

He had a sympathetic audience: three other trailing husbands who, like Mr. Vierheller, had relocated to Charlotte, N.C., when their wives' jobs at Bank of America took them there.

"Our wives knew each other at work, and for those of us who were not working, well, we gravitated toward each other," says Mr. Vierheller, who left his job in Washington, D.C., to move.

He started organizing monthly men's poker nights and other Saturday-night outings. What started as a regular social gathering soon became a trailing-husbands support group.

Mr. Vierheller says that while he wasn't working, the group helped him feel connected.

"I would do lunch every week with another guy from the group, just to check in and see what was going on in the adult world. I knew that even though I wasn't working, I didn't want to fall behind in what was going on in the world. The group helped me stay in touch," he says.

For Jim Beirne, who had moved from Minneapolis, the monthly gatherings offered a chance to talk about how much his life changed when he became a "trailer."

"All of us experienced the fact that family and our spouse's careers were suddenly No. 1, and we would need to do whatever it took to keep our careers going," says Mr. Beirne.

As a stay-at-home dad, he says, it wasn't easy to socialize with the moms he met at the playground and preschool.

"I think it was hard being in a Southern locale. While the initial reception was always warm, we were not included in many of the social events and 'Mom's coffees' at the school," says Mr. Beirne.

In Good Company

As more women break through the glass ceiling, more men are finding themselves in the position of trailing spouse and stay-at-home dad. While Daddy Daycare was initially a lonely venture pursued by only the most fearless of quiche eaters, now men who opt out of the job market for a while are finding newfound comfort in numbers.

The ranks of trailing husbands have been growing steadily since the late 1980s, but the rise has been dramatic in the past few years, according to Laura Herring, president of the Impact Group, a global relocation consultant based in St. Louis, Mo., that specializes in counseling trailing spouses. In 1988, Ms. Herring says trailing spouses were 6% of her business and 11% in 1993. In 2004, they represented 25%. She attributes the growth to the rising ranks of women in upper-management positions and the commensurate rise in their earnings.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, women earned more than men in 17% (almost one in five) of married households in 2003, the first year this statistic was measured. Since financial opportunities tend to dictate relocation decisions, it isn't surprising that more women are taking the lead when a good offer comes along.

Mr. Beirne became a stay-at-home dad after his wife, Mary Ann Altergott, landed a job at Bank of America as senior vice president of human resources.

Previously, he had been a director of human resources for General Mills Inc. in Minneapolis, and Ms. Altergott was director of organizational development at Pillsbury. After General Mills bought Pillsbury in 2001, she felt uncomfortable working for "the competition." They decided to job hunt out of state, and their searches became a competitive challenge -- whoever got the best offer would take it, and the other would agree to stay home for a year with the couple's 2-year-old twin boys.

"I guess you could say that I lost, but as far as I'm concerned, I won," says Mr. Beirne.

While Mr. Beirne gave up what he considered to be a prime offer from Boeing, he feels he made the right decision to leave the fast track. "I think it's still easier for a woman to say she's stepping out for a while, but I just loved it," says Mr. Beirne.

Mr. Beirne says that he always will value the time he spent with the twins, and he enjoyed supporting his wife's career. He views his decision as part of the balancing act that dual-career households face.

"Your priorities change as your career evolves and your family grows," says Mr. Beirne. While for many years career advancement had been a top priority, Mr. Beirne says, he and his wife are now more focused on family. His wife had their third child nine months ago and left her Bank of America job. The family recently moved to St. Louis, so that he could take a job as associate dean at Washington University there, and to be near his wife's family. She'll eventually resume her career in their new location.

Finding Their Footing

While some men revel in their wife's career success, others find the role reversal painful.

When Mr. Vierheller agreed to relocate for his wife's career, he expected to find a new job. He was unemployed for six months. Although he was able to help his two sons, ages 8 and 10, adjust to their new surroundings, his jobless stint was difficult. "I had been working since I was 16 years old, so I was chomping at the bit to get back to work," says Mr. Vierheller, who started his own real-estate-consulting company.

Relocation consultants say that while trailing husbands don't seek out social and professional networks as actively as women do, the practice is becoming more common, especially among men who plan to return to the work force.

"Four or five years ago, men were not really interested in networking. Their attitude would be more like 'just get me the job,' " says Susan Ginsberg, vice president of global business development for Ricklin-Echikson Associates Inc., a relocation company based in Millburn, N.J. "We tell them that 95% of jobs are obtained through networking, and then they're more willing to participate in mini networking groups with other men in their situation," she says.

Reconnecting

Since men can have greater difficulty leaving the work force, it can be reassuring to find others in their situation or who work in their field. Male identities "are very tied to what they do for a living. I see it when they job search. If it doesn't work out, they can get really depressed and not feel like they're contributing," said David Meintrup, career and family counselor for the Impact Group. Mr. Meintrup, who counsels trailing husbands, recommends they volunteer for a company in their field or join a professional organization. Men well-established in their field tend to feel more comfortable when talking about their work, he says.

But lest anyone think this signals a re-emergence of the men's movement, it should be clear that these guys aren't saying they want to hug each other in the woods. "They don't want a lot of hand-holding, like many of the women who are trailing spouses," says Ms. Herring. "They want a network, whether they're a job seeker or not. They want someone they can connect with who will not be denigrating about their choice."

Mr. Vierheller says although the Bank of America trailing husbands would have probably become friendly in another context, they formed close bonds because of their common experience. In addition to their monthly men's night outings, they also get together with their wives and children in tow, and the group has become a tight-knit community.

"When one of us needs someone to watch the kids for a little while or needs to talk to someone other than your spouse, we all rely on each other," says Mr. Vierheller.

Trailing husbands and stay-at-home dads seeking support can visit the following Web sites for information:

-- Ms. Lisle is a free-lance writer in Los Angeles.

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